Somewhere in your life is a person who stopped going to church without giving up on God. Over the next week you will sit with that person, ask good questions, and come away able to say two things in their words: what they were looking for, and where they went to find it. Winning them back is not this week’s goal. Understanding them well enough that anything you say later fits their actual life is.
You can work through this alone over a few days. A group can use it over two meetings: one to prepare, and one to compare notes after each person has had their conversation. Each section ends with something to do. The reading exists to serve the listening.
Start with what you would say
Picture the person. Imagine they tell you, plainly, that they still believe in Jesus but they are done with church. Write down in a sentence or two what you would most want to say back. Do not polish it. Set it aside. You will return to it at the end.
Now compare it with the replies Dr. CJ Rhodes says churches usually give. Rhodes pastors Mount Helm Baptist Church in Jackson, Mississippi. In a Jude 3 Project conversation with Lisa Fields, he described what tends to happen when young adults say church feels empty. The church’s answer is some version of “well just read the Bible” or, as he continues, “Or just come to church, or don’t worry about what sister so-and-so is doing, just love God.” The response he hears from younger people is blunt: “I’m not gonna play church.”
Check your sentence against those replies. Each one is true, but each answers a question the person did not ask. Rhodes describes the actual question this way: “They just question the efficacy of following Jesus in an institution that they see as powerless and abusive.” The person you have in mind may be asking whether church does anything at all, or whether it is safe. A reply about loving God skips right past that.
Watch Paul look before he speaks
Read Acts 17:16-23 aloud, slowly. Mark every verb that describes Paul paying attention before he gives his speech. Then read it a second time and mark what he says.
The scene opens with Paul alone and unsettled: “Now while Paul waited for them at Athens, his spirit was stirred in him, when he saw the city wholly given to idolatry” (Acts 17:16). Paul is not neutral about the idols. He is disturbed by them. Yet the next thing Luke records is not a denunciation. Paul reasons daily in the synagogue and in the marketplace with whoever is there (Acts 17:17). He walks the city and studies it.
When he finally addresses the council, he opens with what he observed: “For as I passed by, and beheld your devotions, I found an altar with this inscription, TO THE UNKNOWN GOD. Whom therefore ye ignorantly worship, him declare I unto you” (Acts 17:23). In the verse before, the KJV has Paul calling the Athenians “too superstitious,” which other translations render as very religious. Either way, he names their devotion accurately before he tells them who God is.
Two cautions keep the reading honest. This is narrative: Luke describes what Paul did in Athens rather than handing readers a script. And Paul does not stop at listening. He declares God, calls for repentance, and speaks of the resurrection. Attention comes before proclamation, not in place of it.
Rhodes draws on this same scene. His application is a set of questions: “what are the crystals for? What’s the sage for? Why are they calling on the ancestors? Understand that.” Only after that, he says, should a believer “diplomatically, compassionately enter into dialogue and relationship.”
Try this: Write down one specific thing Paul could only have known by walking around Athens first. Then write one thing you could only know about your person by asking them.
Four things to listen for
Rhodes and Fields describe patterns they have met in pastoral and campus life. These are observations from experience, not survey findings, so treat them as possibilities to listen for rather than a profile to press onto the person in front of you.
- A test church seemed to fail. Rhodes argues that many young adults are not looking for an excuse to leave. In his words, “it really is, okay, I wanna believe that this is real, but I don’t see evidence of it working in my life or the lives of others.” Listen for the moment the person stopped expecting anything to happen at church.
- A wound. Lisa Fields points to people who were sexually abused while faithfully attending church and Sunday school, and to families where a mother never missed a Sunday and still never found peace or relief from poverty. Fields says “they feel an element of being unprotected.” Listen for where God seemed absent, and who was supposed to be watching.
- A substitute that seemed to work. Rhodes says, “They’ll just go where the power is, regardless of the source of that power.” For some that means tarot or the zodiac. For others it is prayer with friends over brunch, or gospel clips on social media. Rhodes voices their reasoning: “I don’t need to be a part of the institution to do that.” Listen for where they go now and what it gives them: peace, protection, belonging, or something they can hold and practice at home.
- A hope still open. Rhodes sees hopefulness in this group, because “they have not written off that there is a God to be made known to them in Jesus.” Listen for what they still want to be true.
Rhodes also grants that some people leave because they want a different way of life, and he puts their objection this way: “I may actually want to live a certain way. That may be contrary to what the church is saying, but y’all are doing it undercover.” Even that answer contains a charge of hypocrisy. If you hear it, write it down as carefully as any other.
Where the listening gets tested
Two moments are likely to make you want to stop listening and start correcting.
The first comes when the person mentions sage, crystals or the ancestors. Lisa Fields acknowledges there can be elements of witchcraft in these practices, and adds, “that’s not the first place to engage them.” Her reason is practical: “you have to realize what they’re doing it for.” That question matters because Jude 3 teaches that the dividing line is the purpose a practice serves. Using sage or crystals to access spiritual power, guidance or cleansing apart from God is not compatible with following Jesus. Sage burned for its smell or a crystal kept because it is pretty is not a spiritual practice at all. You cannot tell which of those you are hearing until you ask, and the answer will also show you the pain or longing behind it.
The second comes when the person names something a church did. Rhodes insists “we can defend the church without being defensive about the church.” He warns that young people watch leaders “trying to protect the tribe as opposed to protect the victims.” If what you hear is true, let it stand as true. Jude 3 teaches that the failures of leaders are real and grievous, and that they are not the same as the failure of Christ. That conviction may matter in a later conversation. Offered in this one as a rebuttal, it would prove the person’s point.
The strongest objection to this whole guide is that listening without correcting looks like timidity. Paul spoke, after all. But Scripture also warns, “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him” (Proverbs 18:13). And James writes, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). The issue is order. One honest conversation is a single stage, and the speaking you do later will be better for it.
Rehearse before you go
Prepare four or five open questions in your own words. They should invite a story rather than a verdict. Some starting points:
- What did you hope church would be for you, back when you were going?
- When did you notice it stopped being that?
- Where do you feel closest to God now?
- What does that place or practice give you?
- Is there anything you still miss?
Read each question aloud. If one hides an argument, rewrite it. A question that begins by asking whether they have considered something is usually a correction in disguise.
With a partner or group: Pair up. One person plays an imagined character who has left church but kept God, not a real friend’s story. For ten minutes the listener may only ask questions and summarize back what they heard. Then the character reports one moment where they felt heard and one where they felt handled. Swap roles. Facilitators should leave a few minutes afterward for people to say what they noticed. If anyone has left a church themselves and wants to speak from that, let them, but never ask anyone to.
Alone: Say your questions aloud to an empty chair. Then write the answer you most fear hearing, and practice responding with a summary rather than a defense.
Have the conversation
Ask the person for time, and tell them honestly why: you want to understand their experience, not recruit them. Let them choose the place. Do not take notes in front of them. Near the end, summarize what you heard and ask whether you got it right. If they ask what you think, answer briefly and truthfully, then hand the conversation back. Thank them and ask if you can talk again sometime.
Within a day, write three lines while the conversation is fresh: what they hoped church would give them, where they went instead, and what that place gave them and did not give them. Use their words wherever you can remember them.
Be ready for heavier things. If the person tells you they were abused, believe them and thank them for trusting you. Do not press for details, and never suggest they reconcile with anyone who harmed them. If they are in danger now, help them get to safety; in the US, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is 1-800-799-7233. If they say they have thought about ending their life, stay with them and help them contact the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by call or text. Jude 3 teaches that seeking therapy is not a failure of faith, so pointing someone toward a trained counselor is part of caring for them, not a way of ending the conversation.
Questions for afterward
Work through these alone or in your second group meeting. In a group, describe the person only in ways they would be comfortable with, and leave out names and identifying details. Anyone may pass on any question.
- Read your three lines. In their words, what were they looking for? How much of that did you hear, and how much did you fill in?
- Which of the four things to listen for came through? Which never appeared, and did something else appear instead?
- What does the place they went now offer them? Is it something the gospel claims to give, something it does not claim, or some of both?
- Where in the conversation did you feel the strongest pull to respond, and what was that pull about?
- What did you learn by asking that you could not have guessed?
- If they named a harm done by a church, what would it look like for a congregation to take it seriously? What would you need to understand better before saying anything more to them about Jesus?
Back to your first sentence
Find the sentence you wrote at the start. Read it next to your three lines. Would it have answered the question this person is actually carrying? Rewrite it if it needs rewriting, or decide you are not ready to write it yet.
Rhodes closed his conversation with Fields by reminding listeners that “this conversation today may be the planting of a seed that will later be watered” by someone else, drawing on Paul: “I have planted, Apollos watered; but God gave the increase” (1 Corinthians 3:6).
Before the week ends, send a short message thanking them for their honesty. Then keep the sentence you rewrote, and wait for the right time to say it.