A standalone study on holding a conviction and a relationship at the same time, and making sure a public witness and a private one actually match.
The Big Question
Is it possible to be right about a hard question and still drive a person away from Jesus? Yes, and it happens constantly. When the subject is gender and identity, the way Christians engage can matter as much as what they believe. This study works through a posture: how to hold a clear conviction and a real relationship at the same time, how to let truth and love travel together instead of taking turns, and how to make sure private care matches public preaching, in your own life and in your church.
This is not a study designed to win an argument with someone outside the room. It is designed to change how you, the person doing this study, actually treat the people closest to you who see this differently than you do. That distinction matters. A lot of teaching on this subject is built for debate. This one is built for the dinner table, the family group chat, and the relationships you cannot simply walk away from.
Key Takeaways
- Relationship comes before persuasion. It is genuinely hard to reach people you have no real relationship with, no matter how correct your argument is.
- People generally want to know you care about them before they will hear what you believe. That order is not negotiable, even when it is slow.
- Speaking the truth in love is not a softer verdict delivered with nicer words. It is a commitment to walk with a person over time, however long their growth takes.
- A church loses its credibility on hard subjects when it preaches one thing publicly and tolerates something else privately in the lives of people it values.
- Caring more about a person than about their gift, their talent, or their usefulness is the real test of whether you are discipling someone or just using them.
Scripture to Sit With
- Genesis 1:27. God made humanity male and female in his image, the starting point for a Christian view of identity and gender.
- Ephesians 4:15. Speaking the truth in love is one act, not two competing ones. Truth and love grow a person up together, not separately.
- 1 Corinthians 9:22. Paul becomes all things to all people in order to win some. Reaching people requires actually entering their world, not shouting across a gap.
- Colossians 4:5-6. Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, and let your speech be gracious, seasoned with salt. The manner is part of the message, not separate from it.
Quotes Worth Discussing
"We can't effectively communicate the gospel to a people group that we don't have a relationship with." (Lisa Fields)
"They wanna know that you care about them before you try to change them." (Lisa Fields)
"What I preach against and what I allow send two different messages." (Lisa Fields)
"You don't have to like the truth, but you can't change the truth." (Bishop Gary Hall)
"I don't think we have good, because we've kind of engaged it by ignoring it." (Watson Jones III)
Spiritual Discipline: A Relationship Before a Verdict
This is a practice for the next seven days, not a one-time decision.
Step 1: Name one specific person, by name, with whom you have been tempted to correct from a distance rather than engage up close. A family member, a coworker, someone in your own congregation.
Step 2: Before you say anything about your convictions, do one thing this week that has nothing to do with the disagreement. A meal, a phone call, a genuine question about their week. The goal is for them to feel cared for, not managed.
Step 3: If the conversation comes up, listen first and longer than feels natural. Ask a real question and let the answer change what you say next, rather than waiting for your turn to make your point.
Step 4: Keep your convictions honest. This is not a discipline in hiding what you believe. It is a discipline in sequence, care before correction, every time.
Step 5: Examine your own church or small group honestly. Is there a gap between what gets preached and how a specific person is actually treated? Name it, even privately, and ask what one step toward closing it would look like.
Step 6: Resist the pull to settle this online. If you find yourself drafting a comment or a post about this subject aimed at people you do not know, stop, and direct that same energy toward the one actual person in your life this discipline is about. Public arguments rarely change a mind. Private faithfulness, over time, sometimes does.
Discussion Questions
- Think of a hard conversation about identity you have had or avoided. Did relationship come before the verdict, or after?
- Be honest: do you spend more energy being right, or building relationships with people who see things differently than you?
- What does it look like to speak truth in love as an ongoing commitment to someone's growth, rather than a single hard conversation you get through once?
- Where have you seen a gap between what a church says publicly and how it treats people privately? Where might that same gap exist in you?
- How do you keep caring about a person more than what they can do, contribute, or perform for your church or family?
- If the conversation does not go the way you hope, what would it look like to measure success by your faithfulness rather than by whether the other person changed their mind?
Go Deeper
This study comes from a Jude 3 Project reflection by Lisa Fields on engaging people with truth and love. For a more doctrinal treatment of a related topic, see the Jude 3 study on how the church can respond to transgender people. For a related study on race and personal identity, see the Jude 3 study on whether identity is rooted in race or in Christ.
A Pastoral Word
If you are leading this study with someone for whom this is not theoretical, slow down. Some people in the room may be carrying real pain or fear around this subject, including thoughts of self-harm. The 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988) is available, and a trusted pastor or counselor should be part of ongoing care, not just this one conversation.
A Closing Reflection
This week, pick one person you have been tempted to correct from a distance, and instead move toward them in relationship. Listen before you speak. Let them feel cared for before they hear your convictions. Truth still matters, and you do not have to hide it. But people are not projects to be fixed. They are image bearers to be loved while God does his work in both of you.